By Monette Austin Bailey

We—men and women—worry about doing all of it right. We feel as if we don’t spend enough time with our well-housed and carefully scheduled children.

So we attempt to cram more into the same amount of waking hours afforded our ancestors. And in some respects,we can. Technology allows us to dash off a quick e-mail to the office on our laptop, while watching little Ashley execute a practice dive and between snatches of conversation on our cell phone.

The perception about how we spend our time is not matching the reality, though. “Mothers, despite increasing work [outside of the home], spend as much time as ever, on average,with their children,” says university sociologist Suzanne Bianchi.

She says that while parents have re-oriented even their leisure time to be kid-friendly, cultural pressures can make them feel that child-rearing time could be better spent. Mothers talk to therapists or friends about how overwhelming it all feels. They lament the loss of personal and spouse time. The soundtrack becomes a dirge, though the intonation may depend on the gender.

“There’s an element of just because mothers have gone into the labor force, it doesn’t relieve them of being there for their children,” says Bianchi. “And a good dad is a provider. The expectations have ratcheted up.”

Tom Ruggieri, coordinator of the university’s Faculty Staff Assistance Program, calls the gender disconnect “classically universal. ”Couples seeking his counseling services often find themselves at odds over the quantity and even the quality of household tasks. Because dad is usually doing more than his father, he assumes he is carrying his weight. When he looks more closely, dad discovers that he often is not.

According to recent data from time diaries kept as part of a four decades-long study first led by Maryland sociologist John Robinson, dads do report a half-hour more of free time than moms per day. Moms often report that same 30 minutes is time spent on personal care or sleeping. Maybe not free time, but it’s definitely spent on self. Perceptions of time spent also are colored by emotions, offers Melissa Milkie, associate professor in sociology. Though mom may not be involved in a child-care activity, she can’t really enjoy her pedicure because she’s thinking about the play date she orchestrated that afforded her some solo time. “Single moms also report positive interactions with kids, but also are the most time stressed, and in terms of believing they have to make sacrifices at work and in family life.

PARENTS are doing better than they think.

“About half of both moms and dads report they have too little time with their children, but it’s more linked to stress with moms,” Milkie says. What surprises her and fellow researchers is how mothers think they could be spending more time with their children. There are only so many non-working, awake hours available. Focused time is important, but if a child is in a parent’s presence, does that count? Or if a teen can reach his mom with a text message, is that considered child-centric time?

“Accessibility we can’t get at with time-diary data,” says Milkie.

Society, says Bianchi, may be able to shoulder some blame and relieve some of the guilt. “It’s less sanguine, [but] parents are more fearful of letting kids out on their own,” so they hover over them for protection rather than just letting them hang out in the neighborhood.

She adds that statistics reinforce that parents are doing better than they may think. More than 80 percent of parents report daily positive interaction with their children. A majority also says they show affection and offer praise regularly. Ruggieri agrees that while some of the guilt won’t go away, parents need to get into a feel-better groove when it comes to their time. Recognize what they’re doing right and be realistic with their to-do lists.

He adds that there is reason to remain upbeat, even though there will always be some form of guilt or worry associated with our children. “How can there not be? I think that there is probably more guilt about not spending time with your kids when they are younger. And again when it is the first kid. “When I asked parents if they had the option to do it another way,most say that they enjoy the ability to do both [work full-time and raise families],” he says. “They just want a better balance.” TERP

SLOWING THE PACE, ASSUAGING THE GUILT Learn from those who seem to have achieved a harmonious relationship with time. Some tips on balancing priorities and time-use, courtesy of Tom Ruggieri, a counselor with the Faculty Staff Assistance Program:

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